A Panda, a God, a Mafia Leader, a Gamer, & a Sheep
by Beyond Unique Light
Summary: Various unrelated Death Note oneshots made from ideas that can't be made long enough to be their own stories. Slight shounen-ai in some chapters.
1. Secret Info

A/N: This is basically going to be a story of many various unrelated oneshots, with the pairings of LxLight, MelloxMatt, and possibly MelloxNear. Each chapter will be the result of one of my ideas that aren't long or important enough to become an actual story. Oh, and this may contain spoilers, so unless you've finished the anime/manga, you probably wouldn't want to read this.

~Squee~

"I have something to tell Light-kun."

Light looked up from the computer screen and faced the panda-like detective. "What is it, Ryuzaki?"

"It's that I," the detective looked over to Light and then stopped what he was saying. "Nevermind."

Light sighed. "Just tell me."

L took a bite of cake as an excuse to stay quiet for a moment. "It's not important," L said, turning back to face his computer.

Light tugged on the chain connecting the two, thus pulling L over on his swivel chair. "Tell me," Light spoke, curious about what the man had to say.

L hesitated, then spoke. "I'm afraid Light-kun will become mad at me if I say it."

"You're not going to tell me that you've been Kira all this time, and just had me as a suspect to give yourself an alibi, are you?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then just tell me what it is already!" Light nearly screamed at the detective.

"Okay, okay, fine. But if Light-kun gets mad then he cannot yell at be because I clearly gave him a fair warning stating-"

"Dammit Ryuzaki, just say it already!"

L sighed. "Okay. What I wanted to tell Light-kun was that," L hesitated again, slightly fearing what Light's reaction would be. "I…I lost The Game."

And Light, keeping to his promise not to yell at L, simply slapped him across the face.


	2. Discovery

A/N: I found a random word generator :3

Random Word: Discovery

~Squee~

"Light-kun," L began in his classic monotone. "I have discovered something about you."

"For the last time, I'm not Kira!" Light glared at the detective.

"Oddly enough, Light-kun, I was not implying that you were. However, as seeming that at me is your first reaction to announced news regarding you, the chance of you being Kira has risen by two percent."

Light threw an apple core at Ryuzaki.

"Make that five percent."

It took a lot of Light's willpower not to strangle the black-haired man before him with the chain connected to their wrists. The main reason for not doing so being that he didn't feel like listening to L's last words raising his Kira percentage.

"As I was attempting to say before Kira-kun interrupted me-"

"I'm not Kira!"

"See, there you go again interrupting me, Kira-kun. Another three percent." Ryuzaki ignored Light's irritated eye-twitching and continued on. "I was going to say that I have discovered that Light-kun does not like Miss Amane at all. And I have a theory on the reason why."

Light twitched again. "Oh please, Ryuzaki, enlighten me with your theories on the possibility that I do not like my girlfriend rather than attempt to get work done on the Kira case."

"Why certainly, Light-kun. My theory for the reason you are not in love with Miss Amane as you claim to be is simply because I believe that Light-kun is gay." L said bluntly.

Light just stared at the man for a moment. "_What?_"

"I said, I believe that Light-kun does not like his girlfriend because he is gay. Are you hard of hearing, Light-kun?"

"And why exactly do you think I'm gay?" Light glared at Ryuzaki, raising his Kira percentage, and also the percent of Light smothering the man with a pillow.

"Well, one reason is what he announced last night."

Light looked at Ryuzaki with a puzzled expression. "What are you talking about?"

"Remember when I woke you up at 3am?"

"What does you waking me up because you had to go get cake have to do with this?"

"Patience, Light-kun. As I was saying, right before I woke you, I heard you say something along the lines of 'no…go away Misa…I don't like you…or people like you…I like guys…Now go away…"

Light twitched for the third time in the past few minutes. "And why exactly do you think I was talking about you?"

"I never said I did, Light-kun. Are you saying that it is in fact true that you are not only homosexual, but that you like me?"

"Oh, shut up, Ryuzaki."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"I hate you."

"I love you too, Light-kun."

At that moment Light was unsure if Ryuzaki was being sarcastic or not, as his main goal at the moment was to gather enough self control as to not strangle the cake-loving man with the infamous metal chain.


	3. Random Facts & An Angry Mob

A/N: I found a random fact generator this time…

~Squee~

L looked over to the auburn-haired boy sitting next to him. "Light-kun, did you know that giraffes have an inability to cough?"

Light turned to look at Ryuzaki, about to respond when L interrupted.

"And did you know that at any given moment, approximately 0.7% of the world's population happen to be intoxicated? Or that ducks only lay eggs early in the morning?"

Light opened his mouth to respond again, but L continued on his fact-rant.

"It is not possible for a frog to swallow without blinking."

"Good for th-"

"The lifespan of a dragonfly is only 24 hours."

"I'm glad I'm not a dragonfly-"

"The tongue of a giraffe is 21 inches long."

"And we're back to the giraffe fac-"

"Jellyfishes happen to be 95% water."

"Ryuzak-"

"The silk of a spider is stronger than steel."

"Ryuzaki, wh-"

"Light-kun, the world has lied to us."

"What are you talking abo-"

"The length of Three Mile Island is 2.5 miles. They've lied to us, Light-kun."

Light blinked. "Ryuzaki, is there a reason you're being-"

"Intelligent? Wise? Interesting?"

"Actually, I was going to say insane. Why are you saying all these stupid and pointless facts?"

L gasped and looked at Light as if he'd just said that all cake should be destroyed. "Light-kun! These facts are not stupid or pointless! They are all important to the foundation of society!"

"Maybe the society of the underground city of the mole people, if they were all drunk."

L stormed away from Light, not noticing that he was dragging him along because of the chain. L was too busy making a dramatic exit to notice things like that. And L was determined to show Light that random facts _are_ important!

~Later~

L ran screaming into the room where the task force members–excluding Light, who was being dragged behind, half tripping over the chain–were working on the Kira case. "Everyone! There's an angry mob outside!"

Matsuda was the first to scream and panic. "Ahh! Hide my piggybank!" And with that, he bravely hid under the nearest coffee table.

"What?" Light said as he was half-pulled into the room. "Why are they here?"

"They're after the marshmallow!" Matsuda screamed from under the coffee table.

"…Okay…?" Light turned to face Ryuzaki, who he noticed was hiding behind a piece of cake. Light just looked away to the other task force members, who had all begun hiding behind other various objects.

Light facepalmed, then went towards the stairs, dragging the odd detective with him.

L screamed, hiding behind his strawberry short cake. "Why are you going towards the angry mob?"

"Your screaming is annoying and I plan to use you as a sacrifice to make them go away," Light said sarcastically.

L's eyes widened–more than usual–then narrowed at the boy in front of him. "I'm raising your Kira percentage by 17% for saying that."

Light groaned, then briefly considered actually going through with his sarcastic plan.

Light exited the stairwell with L following, and walked over to one of the windows to get a view of the crowd. He looked down and saw about 20…kangaroos? The brunette looked over to Ryuzaki and saw him with a smirk on his face.

"Light-kun," the detective began, "did you know that the name for a group of kangaroos is a mob?"

And then Light calmly walked over to the door, and pushed L outside to the angry mob of kangaroos.

Light smiled to himself, until the laws of physics kicked in and he got tugged outside from the force of the push.

And that's how the two ended up glaring at each other while facing an angry mob of kangaroos.


	4. Cliff

A/N: Yet another random generator thing :D Random sentence generator~

Let's see what the random sentence is…

"An arguing cliff compensates the complex danger."

Hmm…

~Squee~

"Are we there yet?"

"Saying that multiple times does not make the time go by any faster, Light-kun."

"Says you. Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Yes."

"Really? Yay!"

"No, not really."

"I hate you, Ryuzaki."

Ignoring the irritated Kira suspect, L gazed out the tinted windows of the limousine.

"Are we there y-"

"From now on, every time Light-kun asks that question, I will raise the chance of him being Kira by 3%."

Light pouted.

~…~

About twenty minutes later, with nothing more than the usual of Ryuzaki somehow finding cake in the vehicle and Light slowly being drove insane by the silence, Light got an idea.

He pulled out a random piece of paper and a pen which he just happened to oh-so-conveniently have with him, and wrote something on it, and passed the paper to L.

L quickly scanned over the words on the page. "Another 3%, Light-kun."

"What? But I didn't say it out loud!"

"Say what?"

"'Are we there yet?'"

"Well, now you did."

"Oh, shut up already!"

"No, I don't think I will."

Light, refraining from punching the detective, simply repeatedly hit his own head against the window.

~…~

"Light-kun."

Light stopped hitting his head against the window and turned to face Ryuzaki. "What is it? Owww…headache."

"How genius it is of you to not anticipate that you would get head pains from bashing your head against a window for half an hour."

Light flicked the panda-like man. "Would you just tell me what you were going to say?"

"Certainly. We have arrived at our destination."

"Finally!"

Light excitedly moved to exit the vehicle. Now he would finally be at the place L wouldn't stop talking about for two weeks! He took a step outside with the messy-haired detective following.

Somehow, even with Ryuzaki constantly being abnormal, Light was still surprised that L had chosen _this_ place to take a road-trip to. A blank grassy field. It didn't even have any little flowers or weeds, just grass. Oh, and a cliff that Light was too afraid to go near; he really didn't want to know how high up they were off the normal ground.

But of course the first thing L decided to do when they got out of the limo was to go over by the cliff, so Light was dragged away from Watari and the car to go over towards the ledge. And to make matters worse for the poor Kira suspect, L just _had_ to sit on the side of the cliff, in his classic sitting position, and Light was forced to be near him because of the damn chain.

"L, I'm really starting to doubt your sanity," Light said, focusing on looking at L rather than looking down and watching whatever he could see from the cliff, as L was doing.

"And why is that?" L responded monotonously, not bothering to shift his gaze to Light instead of continuing to observe what was going on below.

"Well, actually I first started to think you were insane when you insisted on chaining yourself to me, but now I really think you're going crazy." Light paused, waiting for the detective to respond, but got no answer and continued on. "I mean, really, what sane person would go and sit on the side of a cliff for no particular reason while chained to who he suspects to be a mass murderer?"

L had nothing to say for a moment. "…I see your point." L reached into his pocket and pulled out a random strawberry.

"And all sane people totally carry around fruit in their pocket."

L ignored Light and brought the strawberry up to his mouth.

"Are you seriously going to eat what you just found in your pocket? Besides, I thought Mogi was the only one that kept strawberries in their pocket."

L continued to ignore Light and opened his mouth to eat the pocket-fruit, but Light smacked it out of his hand, and L stared as his precious strawberry fell. And, of course with L being L, he just had to get the fruit back.

And so he turned around and began to climb down the cliff.

"What the hell are you doing?" Light yelled.

"I am trying to get back my strawberry," L replied calmly. "And I suggest that Light-kun joins me in climbing down this cliff unless he is fond of being pulled off the side of cliffs."

"Ryuzaki, there is no way in hell that I am climbing down a cliff for a strawberry."

"Suit yourself, Light-kun." And the possibly insane detective tugged the chain, causing Light to stumble off the cliff.

"Ahhh!" Light screamed in absolute fear. His entire life flashed before his eyes which he squeezed shut tightly as he fell.

And then he hit the ground. Light slowly opened his eyes, wondering why he was still alive, and then the answer came to him; Light figured he was probably still alive because the cliff was only about three feet off the ground. Light quickly got up before losing more of his dignity, while L nommed the strawberry.


	5. The End of Kira

Light sat on the floor, Mikami clinging to his arm and nuzzling him like a little kitten. Yes, a cute, cuddly, sakujo-ing kitten.

"I love you, Kami~."

"Mikami, that's the seventh time in the past five minutes that you've mentioned that."

"Because I love you, Kami~."

"If I tell you I love you too, will you stop telling me about your 'undying love' for me every 30 seconds?"

The black-haired murderer nodded.

Light sighed. He was already regretting it. "I love you, Mikami."

"Yay! I love you, too, Kira-sama!" Mikami squealed, hugging Light.

And, of course, it was at that moment that the world famous L decided to walk into the room, hearing Mikami's statement. He half smirked at Light. "And now I've caught you, Kira-kun." And with that he walked out of the room. Light assumed he was going to go inform the other task force members and show them the proof, as he was almost certain L had video cameras in every room in the building. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea to let Mikami follow him to work, or believe Mikami's claim that it was Bring Your Stalker To Work Day.

Immediately after L had left the room, Mikami turned to Light. "His name is L. Lawliet," he said, taking out his Death Note. "Shinigami eyes really come in handy."

As Mikami was taking out a pen from his shirt pocket, Light grabbed the Death Note away from the other man, and spoke up before his stalker could complain about it. "I've been competing with him in this game of justice since the beginning of Kira, and I will be the one to end it." Mikami nodded, and handed over the pen to his God.

And with that, Light quickly scribbled a name down in the notebook. Then he placed the notebook and the pen on the floor and stood up. "It is now that on this day, I end the mind battle between L and myself. In less than 40 seconds, that won't be an issue anymore." Light laughed darkly for a moment, and then gazed down at his watch. "5…4…3…2," he paused, smiling evilly. "…1…"

And then Mikami fell to the ground, clutching his chest. He looked up with pleading and confused eyes at the man he thought of as a God. "Why…Kami…?" he managed to make out between gasps.

"Because, Teru Mikami, you know L's name. And I want to end this battle between him and I; I love him, and I will not let him be killed. Let him blame you for the Kira shit. I'll give up ownership of the fucking Death Note and then I can have a life with him. That's better than ruling the world as Kira, because L. Lawliet is worth the world to me."

And, with that being the last thing he would ever hear, Mikami Teru died, in the presence of the man he thought of as a God.

And, before he could give up ownership of his Death Note and go start his own life with L as he had cheesily described in a mini-speech to Mikami, Light Yagami had one final task. And that task evolved getting rid of security tapes and somehow convincing L that all the stuff he heard Mikami say about him being Kira was a dream, and that was going to be very difficult considering L barley ever slept…

Okay, screw that. New plan: blame Matsuda.

~One Week Later~

Everything was going great for Light Yagami. The Three Kiras had finally been caught, though one of them had been found dead in the building for some reason. And everyone was surprised to find out that Matsuda had been the main Kira. It was always the quiet ones…Either way, now Misa and Matsuda were behind bars, and Mikami's body was removed from the task force building.

But that wasn't the main reason Light was so happy. Not even close. The reason for his happiness was none other than L. He and the detective were now together, and Light was so happy about being with panda-like man that his happiness wasn't even affected by the awkward stares when he'd announced in front of all the task force members – including his father – that he was in love with L.

L, however, was beginning to think that either Light or himself were intoxicated, because cliché happy endings like this don't usually make sense when you're in a world where you just spent years chasing after a mass murderer only a week ago. And then L finally came to the conclusion that only the world's top 3 detectives could come up with: the story was being controlled by a 13-year-old girl writing at 3 in the morning while wearing pajamas that suspiciously looked like a pink version of Near's outfit.

Either that, or all the sugar was finally getting to him. He still thought the former seemed more likely, though.

A/N: Yes, I'm actually wearing pink Near-cosplay-like PJs. They're so fuzzy! :D And yay for cliché happy endings written at 3am! La la la~!


	6. Squeak

A/N: Hey :D This chapter is dedicated to _England's Porn Box_ for coming up with the epic idea for this chapter :D It was originally meant to be with L, but I need to finally get other characters besides L and Light in this story.

~Squee~

_Squeak._

The blonde ignored it.

_Squeak. Squeak. Squeak._

Well, he tried to ignore it.

_Squeak. Squeak. Squeeeeeeeeeeeak._

"God dammit, Near, stop with the duck already!"

The possible albino twirled his hair with one hand, and squeezed the rubber ducky in his other hand, causing it to yet again squeak. "Why? You used to complain about how I played with Transformers, and told me to get over that and get something newer and less 'pointless and weird,' so I got this rubber ducky. You should really learn to make up your mind, Mello."

"Oh, shut up, Near."

_Squeak._

Glare.

_Squeak._

Glare.

_Squeak._

"Oh, shut up with that shit already!"

_SQUEEEEEEEEEEEAK!_

And then Mello became the first person to successfully knock someone out using only a chocolate bar, which he promptly nommed.


	7. The Epic Yaoi Battles

A/N: I'm 14 years old now :D Yay for birthdays c:

~Squee~

"…Are you serious?" Watari asked, looking from the paper in his hands to the possibly insane brunette.

"Yes, yes, I am," Light said. "Now be a good old person and read the damn announcement."

Sweatdropping, Watari sighed and began reading aloud the paper Light had provided. "Welcome to the…_Yaoi Battles_…?" He paused, blinking in confusion, then reluctantly continued. "The first challenge is a battle between the annoying popstar, Misa Amane, the world famous detective, L, and the creepy stalker that's only allowed into this because of his epic hairstyle, Mikami Teru." Watari was afraid to find out what was going through the Kira suspect's mind when he wrote this. "These three…unique…people will battle for Light Yagami. There are no rules, as rules are boring and laziness is awesome. There is also no description besides this of what is going on. Let the battles begin…!" Watari looked away from the paper and over at Light. "Can I go home now?"

"Nooooo," Light whined. "There's another battle after this. Besides, you still have to declare the winner and stuff."

"Joy."

Due to some reason no one decided to really think about too much, L, Mikami, and Misa randomly appeared into the stadium Light and Watari were apparently in.

"Oooh, oooh, Misa Misa knows what to do!" The high-pitch voiced blonde shrieked. "LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA! I CAN SING~ WITH THE AWESOMENESS OF MY VOICE! LA, LA, LA, LA, I LOVE LIGHT! LA LA LAAAAA-" And the blonde fell to the ground, while Mikami nonchalantly put away a black notebook.

"And Misa Amane has been defeated! Now only Mikami and L are left!" Watari announced happily. As soon as this was over, he would be able to get away from this place, so getting rid of one person made him that much closer to being able to flee, and that was a reason to be happy.

Using his awesome Chuck Norris-like skills, L kicked the Death Note away from Mikami before he could write his name down.

And then he saw Ryuk. "…AHHHH!" And with that, he fled the building…And the city…And the region…And the country…

"Yay! I win!" Mikami shouted, and then proceeded to glomp Light. "I KNEW I'D WIN, KAMI! I KNEW IT! WANNA KNOW WHY I KNEW IT? IT'S 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE MY GOD AND LOVE ALWAYS PREVAILS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH LET'S MAKE OUT!" The super hyper Mikami shouted and then kissed Light.

After a few seconds of awkward silence for everyone else in the building, Watari coughed, and then looked back at the paper. "Uh…Okaaay…The next battle is between…The albino sheep, Near, and the chain-smoking gamer, Matt. The winner gets Mello."

"That's hardly a prize…" Near muttered.

"Fuck you!" The blonde yelled, taking a bite of chocolate.

"I wanna fuck you, Mello!" Matt yelled happily.

The sheep and the chocoholic sweatdropped at the gamer's comment.

Trying to block the image from his mind, Watari read the next line from the paper. "Let the battle begin!"

Being as enthusiastic as is possible for Near, the sheep just stood there and twirled his hair looking bored.

And Matt, being no better, took out his DS and started playing Mario Bros.

…

~A few hours later…~

"Dammit, my DS died!"

Using this opportunity to his advantage, Near took out one of his toys and removed the batteries from it. "Oh, Matt~, look what I got."

The gamer's eyes widened. "Gimme, gimme, gimme! I gotta save the princess!"

Near chucked the batteries out of a window and onto the back of a random pickup truck that just happened to be passing by. "Go get 'em!"

"FOR THE PRINCESS!" Matt yelled, and ran out of the stadium at super Matt speed.

"And in this battle," Watari began. "It appears Near has-" Watari stopped in the middle of his sentence as Matt walked in playing his DS with new batteries in it.

"How the hell…?"

"Skill, Near. Pure skill. DIE BOWSER!"

And, either due to the fact that the awesome skill of Matt was too awesome, and he knew it would be useless to try to win against him in this battle, or just because he didn't feel like dealing with the stupid idea Light had come up with, Near walked away.

"And the winner is Matt!" Watari announced.

"Wha-? Oh, I won. Cool." And the gamer put away his DS and walked over to Mello, who just looked at Matt and continued to nom chocolate.

And then Mello was glomped.


	8. More Random Facts

"No, Light!" L shouted, knocking the sandwich out of Light's hands and out of a window. "Are you insane?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Why the hell did you just murder my peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"Because it is evil!"

"…I highly doubt that my lunch was evil."

"Light-kun, there is a 98.7% chance that the sandwich was evil."

"Do I even want to know why?"

"Peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite."

"Oh, God, please don't tell me you're starting with the facts again."

"Light-kun, there's nothing wrong with learning pointless bits of information."

"Yes, there is."

"Be quiet, Light-kun, and listen to the facts."

"But I don't wanna listen to-"

"Looking at moose from a window of a flying vehicle is illegal in Alaska."

"I don't care."

"It's legal to duel in Paraguay, so long as both of the fighters are registered blood donors."

"Still don't care."

"At the maximum, six partial carcasses or maggots and/or the eggs of such creatures area allowed in each can of mushrooms, by the USDA."

"Ryuzaki, just stop with the random facts already."

"But, why, Light-kun? I find them interesting."

"I'm ignoring you now."

"A French law prohibits the sale of dolls that do not have human faces."

Light took out a notebook and starting scribbling something in it.

"A horse was made senator by Caligula, who was a Roman emperor."

Scribble, scribble.

"The back of stamps contain one tenth of a calorie."

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

"...Light-kun, what exactly are you doing?"

Scribble, scribble, ignore, ignore.

"Light-kun?"

Ignore, scribble, scribble, ignore.

The detective snatched the book away from Light.

"...What is this?"

"...Nothing..."

"Light-kun, it is obviously something."

"...Nu-uh..."

"Stop being so childish and explain what it is."

"...It's just a picture..."

"I can see that. And what is it supposed to be a picture of?"

"How can you not tell? I'm an amazing artist!"

"Light-kun...This...lamp...?...picture, is crude and horrible. Especially in comparison to the Japanese artist who was able to create a copy of the Mona Lisa using only toast."

"That's not a lamp, it's me. Do I really look like a lamp? And stop with the stupid facts already!"

"Well, lamps do light up, and you're name is Light…"

"Shut up. I'm not a lamp."

"Whatever you say, Lamp-kun."

"Not. A. Lamp."

"Fine, Lightbulb-kun."

"Screw you."

"You say that as if you would end up being seme."

"…_What_?"

"Well, it's not possible to screw a letter, but it is entirely possible to screw a lightbulb."

"How the hell did we even get on this topic?"

"You're just trying to change the subject because you know you would end up as the uke."

"What the hell are you even talking about?"

"Us, Light-kun."

"You read too much yaoi manga."

"You don't read enough yaoi manga."

"I'm going back to ignoring you now."

"Have fun with that, Lightbulb-uke-kun."

Light went back to scribbling in the random notebook.

"What is Lightbulb-uke-kun drawing now?"

"You."

L leaned over to look at what the brunette was drawing. "…That is a chibi panda holding a strawberry."

"Exactly."


	9. Dramatic Chapter Title

A/N: Inspired by the mouse that's been in my house for over two weeks now, which I named Matsuda.

~Squee~

The panda-like detective walked into the main room of the task force building, where all of the members were present. Except Light.

"Everyone…I have some tragic news to announce to you all." Ryuzaki began, his eyes filled with sadness, showing more emotion that he had in a long time.

"What is it, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda asked. "Is it about Kira?"

"No." L took a deep breath. "There is no easy way to put this, so I'll just say it now. Light-kun is dead."

"WHAT?" The task force members all shouted together, following Soichiro Yagami fainting.

"Chief!" Matsuda ran over to help the poor father while the other members began to shout questions at the famous detective.

"How?"

"When?"

"Why?"

"If you would all please attempt to calm down, I could try to answer your questions."

That was about the time when the supposedly dead Light Yagami walked into the room.

The room fell silent. Matsuda was the first to react.

"AHH! ZOMBIE! KILL IT! KILL IT!" He screamed, frantically picking up any nearby objects and hurling them at Light in a panic to protect everyone from the zombie invasion.

"What the hell are you—Ow! Stop that!"

"DIE, ZOMBIE, DIE!"

Doing the safest possible thing in this situation, Light used the world's three top detectives as a human shield, causing the raven-haired man to get hit in the head with a stapler. "Ow. I do not appreciate having my hair stapled together."

"Sorry, Ryuzaki…I was just trying to protect everyone from the zombie…"

"Light-kun is not a zombie."

"But…you said that Light had died!"

"Excuse me?" Light interrupted, glaring at L.

"…It appears I may have left something out when I was explaining this to all of you… Did I forget to mention that 'Light' was the name I had given to the mouse that has been around here for a few days…?"

~Later~

"And that," Light said, reminding L of the incident from last month, "is why I named that 'Ryuzaki.'" Light pointed to the remainder of the bug on the bottom of his shoe.

"I'm still raising the possibility of you being Kira to 12%." L, said, turning and walking away from the brunette.

"Bitch…" Light muttered when he thought the detective was out of earshot.

"I heard that, Light-kun. 13% now."

"God damnit…"


	10. Songs From Kira? Part 1

A/N: The songs are just what happen to play on Windows Movie Maker while I'm typing this. That being said, I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I'm just making it up as I go along.

~Squee~

_I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart._ Music blasted, instantly distracting everyone from their work.

"Ryuzaki, turn that off. It's annoying," Light sighed, not bothering to look at the detective.

_Dam dadi do, dam dadi do dum dum~_

"Light-kun, I can assure you that I have as little idea as everyone else as to where that music is coming from."

Matsuda gasped. "Maybe it's a secret coded message from Kira!"

"I highly doubt Kira would choose _Dam Dadi Do_ to send a message." Light rolled his eyes.

"If, and this is a big if, this happens to be a message from Kira, then the term 'break your heart' could be a threat of death from heart attack." L said, taking a bite of his cake. "This could be his attempt at a threat."

_Because you live, and breathe. Because you make in myself, when nobody else can help._

"…Alright, now I'm confused by the music choices." Light spoke.

_With just a look, they shook. And heavens bowed before him. Simply a look can break your heart._

"…_Miss Murder_?" The brunette spoke again.

"Yes," the detective said, taking another bite of cake. "The possibility that this may be a message from Kira is now at 23%."

_But wish no more. My life you can take, to have her please, just one day wake._

"…25%."

_How can you see into my eyes, like open doors? Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb. Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold. Until you find it there and lead it back home. Wake me up! Wake me up inside! Can't wake up! Wake me up inside! Save me! Call my name and save me from the dark! Wake me up! Been my blood to run! I can't wake up! Before I come undone! Save me! Save me from the nothing I've become._

"If this is all a message from Kira...and these lyrics all have meaning associated with Kira…then this could be quite interesting…32%."

"Yeah, Matsuda might have actually been on to something." Light said.

"Finally, I was helpful!" Matsuda cheered.

_Do you feel like a man, when you push her around? Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end. As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect. Every action in this world will bear a consequence._

"Hmm…37%. We should do an investigation of this and try to find meanings and connections within the songs."

_Shawty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out, got me singin' like na na na na everyday, like my iPod stuck on replay._

"…28%...If Kira were going to be so bold as to send a coded message, I doubt he would bother to include love songs…"

_I'm bringin' sexy back. Them other boys don't know how to act. I think its special, what's behind your back? So turn around and I'll pick up the slack. Dirty babe, you see these shackles? Baby, I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave._

L and Light couldn't help looking down at the chain that connected them at the moment.

"39%...And add .3% to the chance that Light is Kira…"

"I'm not Kira!"

"Light-kun, be quiet and listen to the next song."

_Nyan, nyan, nyan, nyan._

"…"

_Malchik gay. Malchik gay, malchik gay. Malchik gay. Malchik gay, malchik gay. Malchik gay. Malchik gay._

"…I'm starting to suspect that Kira is a homosexual and has crush on me…" L stated blankly, not quite sure how to react.

_I'll never break your heart. I'll never make you cry. I'd rather die than live without you._

"…The chance of what I have previously said is now 49% or at least Kira wants me to believe that."

"So, what is the chance of this being a message from Kira?" Light asked, still looking down at the chain on his wrist.

"I'd say around 54%. Since things involving breaking of hearts has been mentioned multiple times, there's a possibility this may have something to do with the heart attacks Kira causes."

(A/N: Skipping over a song because it's in Japanese…And from _Shugo Chara!_ So it doesn't really fit with Death Note…Even if this is a really demented fanfic…Plus this is the instrumental version of that song, so it has no lyrics.)

_What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more._

"…I wonder when this chain of songs will end…" L wondered.

Light shrugged, eyes still glued on the chain. "Soon, hopefully…"


	11. Songs From Kira? Part 2

_Tik tok on the clock, DJ turn the speakers up. Tonight I'mma fight 'til we see the sunlight._

"When is this going to end," Light whimpered, continually banging his head on the desk.

"Stop complaining, Light-kun." L added more sugar cubes to his coffee. "It could be worse."

"How?"

"Well, it could be Justin Beiber music," L said as he sipped his sugar-filled drink.

Matsuda looked away in shame at the mention of the artist whose songs filled his iPod.

_Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell. It was love from above that could save me from Hell._

"Hmm…" While the detective tried to find Kira-related meaning in _Tik Tok_ and _Into The Night_, Light stopped hitting his head on the desk and started poking a marshmallow that was most likely there due to L's sweet obsession.

_You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. I know._

"…The probability of this being a message from Kira now stands at 57%, considering how this would fit with what I believe his personality would be like: immature with a God complex."

_There's a place in my mind, no one knows where it hides. And my fantasy's flying; it's a castle in the sky._

"Kira lives in his little fantasy 'I'm going to change the world' land…" L mused, drinking more of the sugary substance that dared to call itself coffee.

"L, how are you finding a relation to Kira in all these songs…? It's not likely that _Castle In The Sky_ is a song Kira would use for a message..."

"Don't argue with my logic, Light-kun."

_I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now! Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom doom, doom, doom, doom, doom! Doom! Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom! Doom, doom, doom!_

"…"

_Why can't you just be in love with me? Why can't you just see how I am? Why can't you just be in love with me? Why can't you just see who I am?_

"…If this is all a message from Kira...With all these changes from genres of music, and songs that suggest threats, and then a switch to a love song…There's a possibility that Kira may be bipolar…Or just a pregnant woman." The great detective said, finishing his sugar-coffee and stealing and nomming the marshmallow that Light was happily poking.

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do, is be more like me, and be less like you!_

"Interesting…When these songs end-"

"_If_ these songs ever end."

"Don't interrupt me, Light-kun. As I was saying, when these songs end, we shall conduct an investigation on what the lyrics for this could mean in terms of a message from Kira. With this strong of a possibility, it is absolutely necessary that we try to uncover any possible suspicion."

_Hey, Mr. Wonderful! Oh, you're so incredible! Hey, Mr. Wonderful! Wonderful to me! Hey, Mr. Wonderful! Oh, you're irresistible! Hey, Mr. Wonderful! A miracle to me!_

"…Apparently Kira thinks you're wonderful, Ryuzaki. The bipolar possibility is becoming more and more reasonable…"

_Please tell me what is taking place, 'cause I can't seem to find a trace. Guess it must have got erased somehow. Probably 'cause I always forget, every time someone tells me their name. It's always gotta be the same. In my world._

"Names…and 'my world'…Hmmm…" L started eating strawberry short cake.

_Why should I welcome your domination? Why should I listen to explanations? I'm not pretending to make it simple. Try to be something experimental. You can turn it off I will never fail. Things I loved before are now for sale. Keep yourself away, far away from me. I forever stay your perfect enemy._

"Interesting…"

A few minutes passed with no more appearing music.

"…Is it finally over?" Light said, instantly happy not to have to listen to the odd collection of songs anymore.

"I believe so, Light-kun."

"Finally!"

"And now we can begin our investigation about what the lyrics mean."

"Fuck..."

~Later~

"Alright, so to sum everything up, we were able to figure out that this is a combination of a threat and a love note." L began.

"So Kira likes L and he's into bondage…?" Matsuda asked.

Awkward silence…

"Possibly." L responded.

"Lovely, Ryuzaki. Just lovely." Light went back to poking L's sweets, this time a strawberry.

"So with this information, there's a 67% chance that Kira is a gay boy that likes chains and has a crush on me."

"…Why are you all looking at me?" Light said.

"Well, Light-kun, you are already under suspicion of being Kira."

"So?"

"You're chained to me."

"…So?"

"You didn't mind being chained to me."

"…So?"

"And spell your last name backwards."

"…Fuck."

And that is how a Battle of The Bands show down the street doubled Light's chances of being Kira.


	12. The Power of An Apple

"Roll over, Ryuk!"

"…_What_?"

"C'mon, Ryuk, roll over!" Light said enthusiastically to the shinigami.

"Do you seriously expect me to perform tricks like a dog?"

The brunette held up an apple.

"APPLE!" Ryuk screamed, proceeding to roll over.

"Good boy, Ryuk!" Light said as he patted the death god on the head while said shinigami ate the apple.


	13. Sugar Withdraw

A/N: Pointless notes: Stupid mouse Matsuda is still in the house being a creeper…

I finally watched the Death Note movie L change the WorLd yesterday, and now it's my favorite movie.

~Squee~

"Light-kun…did you see what happened to my cake...?" L asked.

"Why would I bother keeping track of where your cake is?"

"Because I'm special?"

"No."

"Because you're Kira?"

"No!"

"Because you love me?"

"…Matsuda ate it."

Instead of making a point about how Light had not denied the last question/statement, L grabbed a stuffed animal and chucked it at Matsuda's head.

"Ow! What was that for?" Matsuda whined.

"You ate my cake." L said, throwing another stuffed animal at Matsuda.

"Ow! So you attack me with plushies because I ate cake?"

"A confession!" L announced, throwing more stuffed animals at Matsuda.

"Ow!"

"Ryuzaki," Light spoke as a tiger plushie was hurled at Matsuda's head. "As…," he paused trying to find the right word. "…_Interesting_ as this is to watch, I don't think attacking someone with various stuffed animals is a suitable punishment for eating cake."

"Hmm…Perhaps you are right, Light-kun," L said as he put down the pig plushie that would have been thrown at Matsuda.

Matsuda sighed in relief, but was interrupted in doing so when a kitten was thrown at him. And said kitten proceeded to claw, scratch, and bite Matsuda repeatedly.

"That is a more fitting consequence for stealing my cake." L said calmly while everyone else just stared.

While Aizawa and Ide attempted to remove the small kitten from Matsuda's head, Light turned to L. "Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Where did all those stuffed animals and that cat come from?"

"…The world may never know."

"This isn't a lollipop commercial."

"Says you."

"Ryuzaki, what commercial would have a Kira suspect and the world's greatest detective talking about stuffed animals while a kitten attacks someone in the background?"

"The best commercial in the history of the universe, obviously."

"Of course. How could I have not come to that conclusion when it's so obvious?"

"Exactly what I was thinking, Light-kun."

The conversation was interrupted as the kitten was finally removed from Matsuda's head, and sent flying through the air and towards a wall.

"Fluffy! No! I'll save you!" L shouted as he dove in slow motion and heroically caught the little kitten. Standing up, he walked over to Light with the kitten safely in his arms. "Look, Light-kun! I saved the little kitty!"

"Congratulations."

"Can't you at least act like you're happy that the cute little kitty is safe?"

"It's not a 'cute little kitty.' Two minutes ago it was trying to kill Matsuda."

"It wasn't trying to kill him, Light-kun. That was its way of saying 'hi.' Why don't you introduce yourself to the kitten?"

"No thanks, I enjoy not being attacked by cats."

"But the kitten likes you!"

"That doesn't mean I like the kitten."

"Light-kun is mean. I'm raising your Kira percentage by 3% for being so heartless as to ignore the cute little kitten."

"Trying to avoid an insane kitten is definitely a reason to increase the likelihood of me being a murderer," Light said with heavy sarcasm.

"I'm glad you see my point. Now let's go get cat food for little Fluffy."

As Light was dragged to a pet store to get food for L's new pet, he realized he learned three important things that day. One, never, under any circumstances, eat L's cake without permission. Two, cats do not like to be thrown. And three, Ryuzaki is scary when he goes through sugar withdraws.


	14. Mello's Version of Being Mellow

A/N: Happy Birthday, Matt! :D

Matt actually gets to be in a chapter for once :D I'm making it up as I go along, as usual. c:

~Squee~

"Maaaatttt~."

"What?" The redhead responded, not taking his eyes off his DS game.

"Do you think I'm special?"

"…Special?" Matt looked over at Mello through his goggles, and the blonde nodded. "Uh…Yes…?"

"Really?" Mello said, his blue eyes lighting up.

"…Sure...?"

"More special than the albino sheep thing?" Mello said, pointing to Near, who ignored them and continued working on his mostly blank puzzle.

"Uh-huh."

Instantly hyper Mello. "Yay!" And then he fled the room to get more chocolate.

Near spoke up. "Are you sure Mello isn't one of those people that isn't allowed to have sugar because it causes them to get extremely hyper?"

"Nah, Mels isn't like that."

A puppy was thrown from the kitchen and onto Matt's lap.

"Yes, Mello is definitely calm," Near said sarcastically.

"Yep," Matt said happily as he pet his new friend. "Throwing pets is the first sign of contentment."

"Are you sure that's not insanity you're thinking of?"

"Oh. Yeah, probably."

A hamster was thrown at Near, who caught it and set it down. "Mello," Near called to the blonde. "What have we learned from L and Light about throwing animals?"

"That it's fun!" Mello called back as a poor little bunny was thrown.

Near sighed as he caught the bunny and gently returned it to the floor. "No, Mello. Now put the kitten down and I won't destroy your chocolate for the purpose of building a tower."

"Don't hurt my chocolate!" Mello whined. "Maatttt, don't let him hurt my chocolate!"

Matt looked up from his video game. "Uh…Near, don't hurt his chocolate, or whatever."

"Yay!" Mello shouted. "You win a free kitten!" Mello said as he prepared to chuck the kitten at Matt.

"No!" Near yelled." If you throw any more animals, objects, people, or anything else, I'll tell Matt where your diary is!"

Mello froze. "You wouldn't dare."

"It's hidden in the closet on the-"

"Alright, alright!" Mello said as he put the terrified kitten down and walked back into the room Near and Matt were in.

"Good Mello."

"Shut up, sheep."

"And you're back to being the non-hyper Mello again."

"Yay!" Matt said happily. "Back to the normal, loud, complaining, violent, annoying, bitchy, self-absorbed Mello again!"

"Matt…" Mello said as he glared at the gamer.

"Yes, Mello?" Matt said, apparently still not understanding that Mello was pissed off at him.

"If you turn out to become L's successor, with that amazing, genius, fantastic ability to compliment people, the world is screwed." And with that Mello nommed a chocolate bar and threw the wrapper at Matt.

"Mello's diary is on the right of the top shelf in his closet, hidden in a safe. The unlock code is 12-1-20-20. Which, now that I think about it, when shown as letters—1 being A, 2 being B, etcetera—is M-A-T-T."

"W-why the hell did you tell him that?" Mello shouted at Near.

"I warned you that if you threw anything, I would tell Matt the location of your diary."

"Stupid sheep..."

"And Mello," Matt said. "If _you_ turn out to be L's successor, with that awesome, epic, skilled ability to forget people's threats, the world is screwed." And with that Matt left to go read Mello's diary.


	15. Dominos

Mello's POV

I was bored. Matt was playing video games and ignoring me as usual, and I couldn't find my chocolate stash. The stupid sheep must have had something to do with this.

_Bitch should know better than to take chocolate from me_, I thought as I stormed down the hallway to Near's room.

Near was sitting there on the middle of the floor, where various types of toys from rubber duckies to Transformers took up most of the space in the back of the room, and was entirely absorbed on working on some intricate design with dominos.

Being the considerate person I am, I spared him the trouble of having to invite me in by kicking open the door and rushing in, the vibration causing his almost finished domino pattern to begin to fall down.

"What the hell was that supposed to be anyway?" I asked as I looked up from the falling dominos to look at the sheep, who of course didn't bother to respond. In fact, he didn't even bother to look at me. He just watched the last of the dominos fall. I looked back to the dominos.

And instantly regretted it.

I have no idea how the fuck he did it, but the little sheep managed to arrange the dominos so that when they fall down they form a picture. An extremely detailed picture.

An extremely detailed picture of _me_.

An extremely detailed picture of me hugging him.

I looked away from the picture to the sheep, who's face was bright red instead of the usual pale.

I wanted to punch him.

I really wanted to punch him.

But…he just looked so…so… _cute_.

God dammit...Damn smart sheep…Stealing my chocolate, making a picture that he knew I'd see because I'd come here to take my chocolate back, and then acting so _cute_...

I could blame the next thing that happened on my lack of chocolate…But that's not true. It's Near's fault. Being so cute like that...It's difficult to resist the stupid sheep's cuteness, okay? And besides…The albino didn't seem to mind when I kissed him anyway.


	16. Mello's Diary

A/N: I haven't seen Matsuda the mouse in a few days…

~Squee~

Matt opened the book he'd "borrowed" from Mello's closet and flipped open to a random page and began reading to himself.

_Dear Diary,_

_ Matt is playing video games all day. Again. What is this, the eighteenth time in a row? As if stupid video games could be more interesting than me...He's probably just playing the game so he doesn't end up staring at me. I am super sexy after all._

Doubting Mello was being sarcastic in that, Matt quickly turned the page to the next entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_ Apparently online there are these weird song meme things, where you put your iPod or whatever kind of music player on shuffle, and answer questions with songs. I don't have anything better to do, so I might as well do that._

_ Hmm...Gotta think of some questions…_

_ Question 1: What is the most important thing to you?_

_ Question 2: How are you feeling right now?_

_ Question 3: What are your plans for the future?_

_ Question 4: What do you want to be doing right now?_

_ Question 5: Overall, what is the theme song of your life?_

_ Alright, now to answer these questions…_

_ 1: This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten – Parry Gripp…What the fuck…? Something tells me Matt put songs on my iPod…If he deleted any of my music I'm so throwing him out a window._

_ 2: Love Again – Cascada…Okay, now I'm positive someone edited the music on this thing._

_ 3: Stronger – Kanye West. Alright, that's kind of a normal song…_

_ 4: Jizz In My Pants – The Lonely Island…This song editing is really starting to piss me off._

_ 5: Stupid MF – Mindless Self Indulgence…Fuck memes._

"So he _did_ notice I put new music on his iPod," Matt said as he flipped to the next page.

_Dear Diary,_

_ I'm so fucking bored. Hmm…What to do…? ...I'm gonna go mess with Near._

Matt flipped to the next day's entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_ So now I'm not allowed to have chocolate all day. Stupid Near. Just because I sent him away to a foreign country in a box labeled "sheep" and addressed to a farm doesn't mean he gets to bitch to L about it and get me in trouble. Damn sheep._

Flip.

_Dear Diary,_

_ It's been approximately 28 minutes since my last entry._

_ I am losing my sanity. I miss my chocolate._

Flip.

_Dear Diary,_

_ I want my chocolate back…_

Flip.

_Dear Diary,_

_ Chocolate…Dark chocolate is so yummy...Milk chocolate is so sweet…White chocolate is so...deformed. It's creepy, and albino. Just like that damn sheep._

_ Point is, I want my fucking chocolate back._

Flip.

_Dear Diary,_

_ Chocolate…Need...chocolate…_

Matt noticed a few holes in the next page, and read the entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_ GIVE ME CHOCOLATE! I KNOW YOU HAVE MY CHOCOLATE! GIMME IT! NOW!..._

_ FINE THEN, DIE!_

Matt flipped to the next page.

_Dear Diary,_

_It's the next day, and I have my chocolate back. Sorry about shooting you yesterday._

Matt continued to read through various diary entries about Mello discussing the "miracle that is chocolate" on the next 12 pages.

_Dear Matt,_

_ Put my diary back where you found it. Now. And I'll consider letting you live._

Ignoring the threat, Matt turned to the next page.

_Dear Matt,_

_ You should have listened to the warning._

Mello jumped out from his hiding place under the bed, instantly scaring the shit out of Matt.

"Ahhh! H-hi, Mello!" Matt quickly threw the diary behind him. "W-where did you come from? I was, uh, just playing video games as usual and stuff and uh, uh, uh, DON'T KILL ME!" Matt fled the room, yelling something about being too young to die.

"…Dumbass," Mello said as he put his diary back. He knew putting the warnings there would distract Matt, the only one likely to care enough to bother to read what he wrote, from seeing what was after that. Yes, for now the awesomeness of Mello's manga,_ The MarshMello Kingdom_, would remain hidden from the world.


	17. Misuda

"WEEEEE~!" A small child cried as it ran into the room carrying a small metallic object, and a watermelon, and a few seconds later Light found himself having his arm stapled to said fruit.

"OWW! Ryuzaki, what the hell is that thing?" Light shouted as he attempted to stop the bleeding in his left arm.

"I have no idea. What concerns me at the moment is why it is stealing your sock."

"You're more concerned about the safety of my sock than the stapled fruit?"

The baby removed Light's left sock, and then put it on Ryuzaki's right foot.

"...Light-kun, it is making me wear a sock."

"Again, fruit stapled to my arm."

"I dislike socks more than I dislike Kira."

"Fruit. Stapled. To. My. Arm."

"Sock. On. My. Foot."

"No one cares about the damn sock!"

"No one cares about the damn fruit!"

This went on for a few moments until Misa entered the room. "Hi, Ryuzaki! Hi, Light! I see you've already met Misuda!"

"_What_?" L and Light said at the same time while Matsuda entered the room.

"Misa-Misa and Matsuda had a baby!" Misa announced happily. "It's our little Misuda!"

"Misa…And Matsuda…" Light's eyes widened. "A combination of…Misa…and Matsuda...AHHH!" Light hid behind L, who was still frozen in fear of his arch enemy, the dreaded sock. "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"Light-kun, there is no reason to resort to violence. However, there is a need to remove the sock from my foot."

"For the last time, THERE'S A FRUIT STAPLED TO MY ARM!"

"It appears you do not understand the seriousness of the sock on my foot." L looked over to Misa. "Miss Amane, please take the demon—I mean the child away from here, and do not return here with it. Ever."

"Okay!" Misa said cluelessly and happily. "I'm gonna go buy socks for lil' Misuda. She really likes socks. Especially left socks. Hey, Ryuzaki, do you know where I can buy just left socks?" Misa continued her sock-rant as her and her child were dragged out of the task force building, with Matsuda following.

"Okay, Light-kun, I have removed Misa and her child from the building. Now remove the sock from my foot."

"Would you stop with the damn sock and deal with the watermelon before the blood lose makes me fai-" And with that Light collapsed to the floor and fell unconscious.

~Later~

After Light was freed from the hospital, he returned back to the task force building to find L in the exact place he was, still staring at the sock in horror.

"Light-kun…the sock...Help..."

Light took a moment to just stare at L before walking over to him and removing the sock from his foot, which instantly got L out of his scared mode.

And right into grateful-happy mode. "Yay! Thank you, Light-kun! You've saved me from the sock menace! I love you~," L said as he hugged Light happily.

"Affectionate much?"

"Well, you did save me from the evil sock monster."

"…Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"I'm adding 'fear of socks' to list of things that make you abnormal from society."

"You say potato, I say potato," L said, pronouncing the last with a long a vowel sound. "You say abnormal, I say unique."

"Either way, you're still odd."

"Fair enough. And either way, as cute, sugar-loving and affectionate as I may be, you're still the uke."

"Wha-?" Light was cut off mid sentence by a kiss from L. Something told him this was going to lead to something that either proved or disproved L's last statement.


	18. Gerbils  Part 1

A/N: Today, my 2-year-old niece came over. And she arrived without a left sock. What.

Light's POV

~Squee~

"Light-kun..."

I turned to Ryuzaki with my eyes wide in fear. I could tell what that tone meant. "No. No, Ryuzaki, no."

"But-"

"No. No, no, no, no, no."

"But, Light-kun-"

"No!"

"Fine, fine, fine."

I looked at L for a moment and tried to decide whether or not I should trust him, but after seeing nothing but his normal blank expression, I gave up and went back to researching information on the computer.

"Four is the only number that, in English, has the same number of letters as its numerical value."

God dammit…

"No! Dammit, Ryuzaki, not the facts again! No, no, no, no, no!" I shouted.

"But, Light-kun-"

"No!"

"You are overreacting and being annoying. Therefore I raise your Kira percentage by 2%."

"Fuck you. And if you call me a uke again, I swear to me—I mean Kir—I mean God, I will slap you with a walrus."

"79%. And how do you expect to obtain a walrus?"

"I'll find a way. I will find a fucking way. I swear it."

"To yourself, Kira-kun?"

"I'm not Kira. I'm a hard working student."

"And I'm not a detective; I'm a vegetable loving construction worker."

"Shut up then, Bob."

"…Bob?" Ryuzaki said, looking at me with a confused expression.

"Yes, Bob. As in Bob the Builder."

"…Light-kun, I am not Bob the Builder."

"Prove it."

"…Do I look like Bob the Builder?" He said as he took a bite of cake. "I am in a building working on solving the Kira case-"

"OBJECTION!"

"Objection?"

"Yes, objection. There's a difference between working on solving the Kira case and pointing to me and shouting 'Kira!'"

"When have I ever done that?"

"Yesterday."

"…Details."

"…I want a pet gerbil," I stated.

"Excuse me?"

"I want a pet gerbil!"

"…And why exactly do you wish to have a pet gerbil?"

"Because gerbils are nice."

"How would you know that?"

"Oh, since when are you an expert on gerbil behavior and marshmallows?"

"How did marshmallows get involved in this conversation?"

"Because, unlike someone in this room, they actually appreciate me!" And with that I ran out of the room.

And fell down a staircase.

After crashing down the various floors, I muttered quietly. "Damn you, gravity…" And then I fell unconscious.


	19. Gerbils Part 2

A/N: I drew "Light's picture" of a chibi panda L holding a strawberry c: The link can be found on my profile

I dedicate the pic to all my reviewers c:

~Squee~

"Light-kun...Light-kun…Light-kun~…"

I opened my eyes to see L eating cake while poking my face.

"Hello, Light-kun."

I felt a sharp pain in my head. "Owww," I said as I rubbed my head in an attempt to stop the headache. "What the hell happened?"

"You yelled at me about marshmallows, then fled the room and fell down a flight of stairs. Then you whined for 10 minutes about how gravity is evil and out to get us all, then cursed at me and blamed me for your klutziness, then pretended to be unconscious."

"Weren't you concerned about my safety at all during that?"

"Yes, but I assumed you were intoxicated."

"Why would I be drunk? I don't drink!" I yelled.

"Because during your fake unconsciousness, you ranted about the flight patterns of Froot Loops, which you claimed were gay Cheerios."

"That doesn't mean I was drunk."

"Why were you discussing the flight of cereal then?"

"Well, I started thinking about that weird toucan thing, and I started to wonder if it could fly."

"Why do you think about cereal?"

"Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" I announced. "But I suppose you wouldn't know that, since you never eat anything that's not sugar related or sweet."

"I do not see any issue in that."

"Big surprise." I rolled my eyes and got up, my over dramatic complaining about falling being over. I grabbed L's wrist and walked up the stairs with him unwillingly following.

"Where is Light-kun taking me?" L asked as we got up the stairs and I continued to pull him towards a different room.

"The kitchen," I said just before we arrived at the destination.

"Why?"

"To get Froot Loops. Duh."

"I am not fond of cereal."

"Too bad."

"You're mean..."

I ignored his complaints about Froot Loops and got out two bowls and filled them with said cereal and milk, and put the bowls on a table and sat down next to Ryuzaki.

He cautiously poked the cereal with his spoon. "Okay…so it's not alive…"

"Duh."

"…I still do not trust it," he said as he continued to poke the gay Cheerios with a spoon.

"Ryuzaki, it's cereal. Cereal. It's not going to attack." I started to eat my cereal while Ryuzaki continued to stare at his bowl questionably.

And then he started to stab the Froot Loops with the spoon.

"…What the hell are you doing?"

"Destroying the cereal."

"…Cereal killer..."

He ignored me and continued to calmly and happily stab his breakfast.

"…You scare me," I said as he joyfully brought destruction upon the world of cereal.

"Why? I am simply having fun, Light-kun."

"…Your definition of 'fun' scares me...On many levels..."

"Just imagine what Kira's idea of fun is. It makes this seem a lot less odd," and again the poor cereal was stabbed.

"Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised if this was what Kira thought was fun."

"Oh really? Actually, I imagined his idea of fun would be something involving frolicking through fields of flowers." I was alarmed that there was no hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Are you going through another sugar withdraw?"

"…Maybe…"

"…I never thought I'd say this but…Ryuzaki, go eat more cake."

"Yay!" He shouted, knocking the cereal bowl over and running over to get some type of cheesecake out of the fridge, which left me to clean up the mess of milk and Froot Loops.

Well, at least it was better than watching him stab breakfast…


	20. Poke

"Taco!"

"Oh, God...It's back...Hide me!" Light yelled after hearing the voice of the evil being known to the world as Misuda, and then he used L as a human shield.

The demon baby ran into the room, plastic chicken leg—from a play kitchen set—in hand. "Daddy!" The thing called as it ran up to L and proceeded to throw the plastic toy at his head, the fake chicken immediately being lost in the depths of L's hair.

"Daddy?" Light stared at L's hair and wondered if there was a portal to another dimension lost in the in never-ending tangled mess. "Ryuzaki's not your dad, Misuda," Light said, changing his focus from L's hair to the demon baby.

"R-R-Ryuzaki n-not m-my d-d-daddy?" Misuda said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Misuda," L said, getting the child's attention, then he paused for dramatic effect. "…I'm not your father."

"Ryuzaki, now is not the time for Star Wars references." Light said in an irritated voice.

"There's always time for movie references, Light-kun."

"No, there's not. Now let's focus on getting that…that _thing_," Light said, referring to Misuda, "as far from here as possible."

"Why, Light-kun?"

"Because when she's here, everything becomes madness."

"Madness?"

Light knew he was going to regret that last word.

"This isn't madness."

Three...

Two…

One…

"This."

Regretting it.

"Is."

Really regretting it.

"MUFFINS!" Misuda chimed in, ruining L's Sparta speech.

L sulked, his opportunity to yell loudly gone, and quietly ate a strawberry.

Light, not really caring if it raised his Kira percentage, picked up Misuda, and did the only sensible thing.

Tossed her out the nearest window, then calmly went back to his laptop.

"…Light-kun…" L called after a moment of just staring at the boy in shock.

"What? Are you going to raise my Kira percentage or something?"

"Actually, Light-kun…I was going to ask you why you didn't do that earlier."

Before Light could respond, a faint, "I'm okay," was called from Misuda's landing place in the dumpster.

Both L and Light cursed under their breath.

"…I am not at all fond of that child," L said after a moment, still eating various strawberries.

"Neither am I."

"I noticed that when you threw her out the window."

"I thought that made the biggest impression towards my annoyance with her."

L poked Light.

"…Why did you just poke me?"

Poke.

"Stop that."

Poke.

"Ryuzaki."

Poke.

"Stop."

Poke.

"Stop. Poking. Me."

Poke.

"What's the point of this?"

Poke.

"Oh, how foolish of me for not understanding that logic."

Poke.

"Seriously, stop it."

Poke.

"Don't make me throw you out the window too."

Poke.

"Stop. It. Ryuzaki."

Poke.

"What the hell do you want? Cake?"

Poke.

"Is that a yes?"

Poke.

"That doesn't answer my question."

Poke.

Light poked L back.

L poked Light again.

Light poked L.

L poked Light.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, pokeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"…"

"…"

"I dislike you." Light stated flatly.

"…"

"...Dislike."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Fine," Light said, giving in to L's silent demands which he interpreted solely by knowing his personality, and the fact that it happened to be Valentine's Day.

"Yay!" L said happily, hugging Light and pulling him close for a kiss.

Light blushed, but the kiss ended as soon as it started, and L pulled away and went back to eating his strawberries, while making a mental note to himself.

_Note to self_, L thought, _poke Light more often_.

At the same time, Light made a mental note to himself as well. _Note to self_, he thought, _throw stuff out of windows more often_.

A/N: And that is why I don't write yaoi-ness in most chapters; I'm horrible at it. Face the power of my uncreativity.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day!


	21. Valentine's Day Chocolate

"Hey, sheep, it's Valentine's Day," Mello stated.

"Yes, it is. What's your point?" Near responded calmly and emotionlessly.

"You're supposed to give people chocolate on Valentine's Day."

"Again, what's your point?"

"Where's my damn chocolate, sheep?"

"You're supposed to give chocolate to people you like."

"Are you saying you don't like me?"

"Considering that yesterday you threw a rabid animal at me..."

"Oh, get over it, it was a damn bunny!"

"It was still rabid."

"No, it wasn't."

"Then explain why it was foaming at the mouth and was running around at a speed comparable to a cheetah."

"It got into my stash of chocolate ice cream, and then Matt saw it and thought something like 'Aw, the little bunny likes ice cream!' and he put whip cream on the ice cream for the bunny, and then the bunny got the whip cream on its face and was hyper because of all the sugar. Then later I was looking for my chocolate ice cream, and when I found that it was gone, I did the sensible thing. And after I was done yelling and throwing things, Matt told me that the bunny ate it. So then I threw the bunny at you because I was mad at it and you're an easy target."

"…"

"So, where's my chocolate?"


	22. Noms

A/N: 100 reviews~ :3

~Squee~

"Apparently," Beyond said, walking into the room which only Near, Mello, and Matt were in, "Light defenestrated a small child."

"What the fuck," Mello yelled, "Light's a pedo?"

"No, Mello," Near sighed in annoyance with Mello's poor vocabulary, "defenestrate means to throw out a window."

"…Oh."

Matt lit a cigarette.

Mello epically bit into a bar of chocolate.

Beyond stuck his fingers into a jar of strawberry jam and messily began to eat.

And Near just sat there.

"Why the hell are you the only one without some awesome eating habit?" Matt asked.

"Cigarettes aren't a food," Near stated.

Mello ignored Near. "I bet he eats his toys."

"I do not!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if he did." Matt said, joining in on ignoring Near.

"What's wrong with me eating like a normal person?" Near whined.

"None of us have ever seen you eat anything at all," Beyond said.

"Anorexic," Mello said.

"I'm impressed you know any 'big words,' Mello."

"Shut up, sheep!"

"Mello had a little lamb," Beyond started to sing.

"You shut up, too!"

"Mello had a little lamb," Matt and Beyond sang in unison, joining arms and skipping around Mello and Near in a circle. "Little lamb, little lamb! Mello had a little lamb who's—"

"SHUT UP!"

_Snap!_

Mello stopped attempting to attack Matt and Beyond when he heard the sound, and all three paused their battle and looked over to Near.

And saw that he was trying to eat a Transformer.

"…Told ya." And with that everyone went back to their weird food—or food-like in Matt and Near's cases—obsessions.


	23. Pop

Matt stared as his computer and clicked rapidly, completely absorbed with the image on the screen.

"Uh, Matt?" Mello raised an eyebrow at Matt. "Do I even wanna know what you're doing?"

Matt was too focused on whatever it was he was doing to answer Mello, yet alone notice that he was in the room.

"Hey, Matt, I'm talking to you!" Mello yelled. If there was one thing Mello hated, it was being ignored.

And Matt continued to not register Mello's existence for a full minute, which Mello spent glaring at the redhead and angrily eating chocolate, before he finally stopped clicking and noticed the extremely irritated blonde. "Oh, hey, Mels."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Nothing…" Matt responded innocently before going back to his world of staring and clicking.

"Don't 'nothing' me, Matt. You have 5 seconds to tell me before I throw the bunny at you," Mello said, looking over at the bunny Matt had insisted on keeping as a pet.

"No!" Matt yelled, looking over at Mello for a fraction of a second before returning to staring and clicking. "Don't hurt Mini-Mels!"

"Is _that_ seriously what you decided to name that thing? _Mini-Mels?_ Really, Matt?"

"What?" Matt pouted. "I thought it was a good name..."

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"'Cause Mini-Mels is a lot like you."

"How the fuck is that bunny like me?" Mello growled, not liking that he was being compared to a fluffy little bunny.

"Mini-Mels loves chocolate, he randomly attacks people, mostly Near, he loves me, I thought he was a girl at first, and he's smart! Did you know he figured out how to get out of his cage, get chocolate, and then get back in his cage without a trace? I wouldn't have known if I didn't notice some of your chocolate stash missing and the bunny being more hype than usual."

"Wait, back up, Matt. Did you just say that the bunny loves you?"

"Yep. Probably 'cause I saved him when Beyond tried to remove his feet to make good luck charms."

"But you listed that as one of the things that I have in common with the bunny."

"Mhmm."

"…Why the hell do you think I love you?"

"'Cause I'm lovable."

"…"

"And I'm sexy," Matt said, still staring at his laptop screen.

"…Can't deny that," Mello said plainly, taking a bite of his chocolate.

"I knew you loved me," Matt said happily, looking away from his laptop to smile at Mello for a moment before returning to rapidly clicking once more.

"Would you just tell me what you're looking at already?"

"Noooo," Matt whined, continuing to click at high speed.

"Fine, then we'll discuss another issue. On the list of stuff you said I have in common with the bunny, you said that you thought the bunny was a girl at first," Mello said while glaring at Matt.

"'Kay, you can come see what I'm doing," Matt said quickly, valuing his life.

"That's what I thought," Mello said as he walked over to the redhead.

Matt continued to rapidly click, still absorbed in the screen.

Mello looked at the computer screen. "…Really, Matt? Virtual bubble wrap?"

"What? It's fun," Matt defended.

"You know you could just pop real bubble wrap, right?"

"Already did," Matt said as he continued to rapidly click on the virtual bubbles and watching them pop.

"So go pop more."

"Can't."

"Why not?"

"Gone."

"Stop with the one word responses."

"Bubble wrap's gone."

"How?"

"Popped it all."

"But doesn't Near get more bubble wrap 'cause of all the Transformers and shit he gets on a daily basis?"

"Already stole and popped all the bubble wrap. Needed more bubble wrap. Found virtual. It's fun."

"Would you at least attempt to form an actual sentence?"

"No, gotta pop virtual bubbles."

"Okaaay…I'm gonna back away slowly now…Have fun with the weird virtual bubbles…"

"'Kay."

Mello backed out of the room.

And went to his laptop.

And started popping virtual bubbles.

Because it's impossible not to become addicted to popping bubble wrap, even for Mello.

A/N: Got the idea while popping virtual bubble wrap c:

virtual-bubblewrap(dot)com/popnow(dot)shtml

Bubble wrap~


	24. Tacoman

A/N: Based on a true story.

"Light-kun, what is _that_?"

"_This_ is a wonderful piece of artistic genius."

"…It is a taco with stickmen arms and legs."

"Artistic genius," Light defended his drawing.

"Why is the taco smiling? Most foods do not have expressions, or limbs for that matter."

"He's Tacoman."

"…Tacoman?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki. He is Tacoman."

"…Where's his cape? All superheroes are supposed to have capes. Only the Incredibles are allowed to not have capes."

"I'm working on it!" Light whined as he quickly drew a small cape on the superfood.

"What about his mask?" Beyond asked as he popped out from under a desk. "He needs a mask otherwise people will know his true identity!"

Light screamed when the L-look-alike appeared, falling off his chair and onto the floor dramatically.

L sighed. "Hello, BB." L was already used to Beyond's random appearances by now.

"Hello," Beyond said before turning his attention to the brunette that was standing up again. "So where's Tacoman's mask?"

Light took the paper and quickly drew on a mask that covered Tacoman's eyes. "There."

"Hmm…What about his superhero insignia?" L asked as he looked at Light's sketch.

Light quickly added a "T" and an "M" to Tacoman's cape.

"Ooooh, oooh, what about his supersuit?" Beyond asked cheerfully.

Light drew an outline around the stick figure part of Tacoman. "Tada."

"Hmm…He still needs fuzzy boots, Light-kun," L said.

"Why fuzzy boots?"

"Because fuzzy boots are amazing!" Beyond said as if it were obvious.

"Uh-huh…" Light drew boots on Tacoman's feet.

"Wait, Light-kun," L said as he observed the picture again. "What are his superpowers?"

"Ooh, ooh, I know!" Beyond yelled. "He can turn people into tacos!"

Light added a picture of a half-stick figure, half-taco that said _Nooo, I'm turning into a taco!_

"What about his arch rival?" Beyond asked as he stared at the picture like a child—or L—finding a piece of candy.

"That would be…" L thought about it for a brief moment. "Brussel sprouts. They are everyone's enemies."

This went on for another 20 minutes before Beyond and L were out of ideas for Tacoman. The three geniuses looked at the picture.

"…"

"…"

"…I can't even describe what that is," L said as he stared at the picture.

"Too many sparkles…" Beyond stated.

"I agree. Light-kun should not eat potato chips while trying to draw something."

"You're just jealous because your cake doesn't sparkle."

"I wonder if I can get my jam to glow in the dark…" Beyond thought about the possibility with a smile forming on his face.

Ignoring B, Light threw away the deformed superfood picture. "I'm never taking your drawing suggestions ever again…"

"DRAW YAOI." B said, then proceeded to act innocent when L and Light both stared at him. "What are you staring at me for?"

"…"

"…"

"You're the weird ones for not liking yaoi."

"…"

"…"

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

"When the fuck did you turn into a fangirl?" L and Light both yelled at the same time.

"Blame Matt for introducing me to fanfiction. Now kiss!" Beyond pushed Light at L, causing Light's lips to meet L's dramatically and cliché-y.

Beyond squee-d like a happy yaoi fangirl while L and Light blushed and turned away from each other.

"Get out," L glared at Beyond. "Now."

"B-but, Lawlipop, I don't wanna go!"

"…I'm not even going to ask why you called me that. Now get out and go watch Gravitation or Junjou Romantica or something."

"Okay!" Beyond happily skipped out of the room to go to his happy yaoi world.

"…Ryuzaki…"

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"…Why did you know the names of shounen-ai animes?"

"…How did _you_ know they were shounen-ai animes?"

"…How about we both forget about what happened today and never speak of it again?"

"Agreed."


	25. Withdraw  Part 1

A/N: Working on making a plushie, but I'm not sure which anime character it should be of though. I don't wanna do anything to complex (ex: Ryuk) since this is the 1st plushie I'm attempting to make…Well, the 4th if you count the random plushies I made of Masha (Tokyo Mew Mew) when I was bored last summer.

Any suggestions...?

~Squee~

Near woke up, surrounded in darkness. Showing no signs of emotion, he put his hand on the roof of the small compartment and the container easily opened when he pushed it open.

He flinched at the change from darkness to light, but still climbed out of the box and observed his surroundings.

He was in a room he didn't recognize. The walls were all black, the carpeting matching the color. There was a bed in the room that kept the pattern of the color scheme. On the bedside table were various crumpled up wrappers. Near walked over and his suspicions were confirmed. Chocolate wrappers. He knew Mello had something to do with this.

Near walked over to the door—which was also painted black—and found that it was locked. Joy.

He'd been knocked out, thrown in a box, and placed in Mello's room, which of course had to be locked.

Today was not a good day for Near.

Near heard a yell from outside the door—something about Hershey Park being better than Hyrule Castle—and he briefly considering jumping out of the window. It would probably be less painful than what Mello would do when he found him in his room.

Before he had a chance to act out his new plan, the door opened, and Mello walked in to find Near sitting on the floor and staring at the window.

"…What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I don't have the answer to that. I woke up in a box and found myself here. Then you showed up. That's all I know."

"Get the fuck out of room before I-"

"Mello," Near interrupted as soon as he stopped looking at the window and turned to see Mello. "Is there a reason you're wearing a skirt?"

"Someone stole all my pants…they replaced them with skirts."

"Are you sure it isn't just because you felt the need to crossdress?"

"Shut the fuck up and be glad I haven't killed you for being in my room."

"I wasn't in here by choice."

"Don't care."

"Of course you don't. Now explain the skirt."

"I told you, someone stole my pants!"

"Alright, now give the real reason."

"That is the real reason!"

"Let me guess. You lost a bet with Matt."

"…Actually he said he'd buy me more chocolate if I wore a skirt all day..."

"Is there anything you won't do for chocolate?"

"Not much."

"You're a chocoholic."

"No, I'm not! I can quit whenever I want!"

"Then quit now."

"…"

"Exactly."

"Oh, like you're any better. You're obsessed with stupid toys that little kids play with."

"I am not obsessed."

"Yes, you are. I bet you couldn't go a week without being near a puzzle or a Transformer or any other toy."

"I bet you couldn't go a week without any type of chocolate."

"Oh yeah? Fine then, it's a bet."

"What are the stakes?"

"Let's see…" Mello thought. "How about...The loser has to wear a frilly pink dress and skip around and give random people flowers."

"Well, that gives a determination to win." Near shuddered at the thought of wearing a dress.

"Yep. Now get the hell out of my room."

"Gladly." Near quickly fled from the chocoholic's room, amazed and relieved that he hadn't been attacked by said chocoholic.

A/N: Dun, dun, duhnn~! Another mini chapter series/lazily wrote thing with various chapters! :D

Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions for which anime character I should attempt to make a plushie of...? .3.


	26. Arrested

A/N: Matsuda the mouse is alive. And he's had a baby. Or babies. Misudas…I'm afraid.

~Squee~

"Ryuzaki!"

"Light-kun, there is no need to yell."

"Yes, there is! Get over here!"

"If it makes you be quiet, fine," Ryuzaki said as he calmly walked over to the panicking brunette. "Now what is it you called me in for?"

"According to news reports on television, Beyond's just been arrested."

"For what?" L said, not completely sure if he actually wanted to know the answer to that.

"Murder."

"Lovely." Just as L had suspected.

"It gets worse," Light continued.

"Fantastic."

"He didn't just kill just one person."

"Great."

"He killed two."

"Are you going to continue to speak in non-detailed sentences?"

"Yes. As I was saying-"

"Light-kun, would you just finish what you are going to say instead of giving unimportant details? I don't have time for your rambling."

"Fine," Light pouted." BB killed his imaginary friends."

"...What?"

"Beyond killed his imaginary friends."

"..."

"It's serious business."

"...I'm going to bed."


	27. Withdraw Part 2

It had been roughly fifty-seven minutes since Mello and Near had made their bet.

Mello was sitting on a couch and staring at a wall, trying to find any loopholes in the bet. He needed his chocolate, and he needed it now.

"Dammit," Mello cursed to himself in finding a lack of loopholes in the bet.

"If you want chocolate that badly, then why don't you just go eat some? It's not like Near's gonna know about it anyway," Matt stated, his goggled eyes focusing on his Zelda DS game.

"No. If I cheat then this is pointless. I'm going to win this. I'll prove to Near that I'm not always going to be in second place."

"Whatever you say, Mels," Matt said before focusing on saving the virtual princess.

~Several hours later~

"MATT!"

"What—Ow, get off of me!"

"No!" The clinging blonde whined. "I'm going insane, Mattie. I need chocolate. I _need_ it!" Mello said with a look that could very well be the most overdramatic puppy face of the year.

"Then go get chocola-"

"No! Don't you understand, Matt? I can't have chocolate! I need to beat Near!"

"Alright then."

"WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" Mello yelled.

"WHY CAN'T YOU STOP YELLING?" Matt mocked Mello's tone, instantly earning an angry glare and a slap from the blonde before he turned and walked away.

* * *

Near sat on the floor, staring at the wall. He was bored. He didn't have anything interesting to do; he couldn't play with his action figures—which, as he had insisted several times, were _not_ dolls, but Mello still refused to believe that—and he had no plans to lose to Mello. He would never get tired of seeing how frustrated Mello got after he lost something to Near. That look of anger and hatred would be worth the week of not being able to play with toys.

_Mello…_ Near thought to himself. _I wonder how he's holding up so far…It's been about five hours since the bet began…I wouldn't be surprised if he's already lost his mind._ Near got up from his spot on the floor and began to walk around the building, quickly spotting Mello darting around the hallways.

"Mello."

The blonde halted running around in random directions—running around was his attempt, which had gone without success, to distract himself from thinking about chocolate—and dashed over to Near. "What is it, Near?" Mello asked, trying to keep his composure together and not show signs of his chocolate withdraw. He smirked. "Are you coming to tell me that you already lost the bet? After such short time? I expected better of you. Tsk, tsk."

"On the contrary, Mello, I was actually coming to see how you were holding up without chocolate."

_Dammit_, Mello cursed mentally. He'd hoped this bet would have ended and that he would have been able to finally get his chocolate. "I'm doing fine," Mello lied.

"I can tell when you're lying, Mello."

"Shut up, sheep. I doubt you're doing any better anyway."

"I'm doing fine in my part of the bet. Unlike you, I don't get obsessive over things and freak out. Instead, I find a solution." Near said emotionlessly.

"I can tell when you're lying, too." Mello said back.

"I wouldn't doubt that you can," Near said calmly. "Have fun with your chocolate withdraw," he said as he began to walk away. "By the way," Near said. "You may want to look up your dress size. You're going to need to know it soon."

"We'll just see about that," Mello said before the two walked off in separate directions.

A/N: This is probably going to be at least 3 parts long. Oh, and I finally got slight progress done on the L/BB/Sebastian (Kuroshitsuji) plushie! (I'm still not sure who it's gonna be…) I need to get fabric for the hair/outfit before I can get anything else done though…


	28. Withdraw Part 3

"The prophesy foretells all."

"What-"

"Shush! They're coming!"

"Mello, I'm almost afraid to ask, but who the hell are 'they'?"

"THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Mello yelled, throwing his arms up in the air and running around the redhead in circles.

"…" Matt slowly backed away into the other room, and the first thing that was in his line of vision was something which he suspected was a sheep trapped in a blizzard having a seizure while destroying a pillow. He walked towards the whatever-the-hell-it-was and did the first thing that came to mind: poking it with a stick.

Near looked up to see Matt and halted his frantic spazz moment. "…Hello."

"…What the fuck are you doing?"

"…" Near shrugged.

"Why the hell are you and Mello doing this bet? Mello's gone insane, and you're…I don't even know what to call your spazzy freakout. By the end of the week you two are going to end up in an asylum! I wouldn't be surprised if Mello ended up in one by the end of the day."

"Perhaps this has gotten slightly out of hand, but both Mello and myself are determined to win this. Therefore, this will continue until the end of the week. Unless one of us forfeits, but obviously that is very unlikely to happen."

Mello ran into the room holding the head of a Barbie doll. "DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES? YEAH WE LIKE WAFFLES!" And with that lovely message he continued to flee down the hall.

Near winced upon seeing the destroyed toy. Sure, it was a girly toy. And sure, it was beheaded. But it was still a toy, and seeing toys when he wasn't allowed to have them was just cruel. Near jumped up and started to run towards the door, but stopped himself. _No_, Near told himself. _Just 3 more days. Just three more days. Be strong._ Near sat down on a nearby chair and pouted.

~Later~

"WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ~!" Mello sang loudly as he danced around in his seat in the car.

"Uh-huh, whatever, Mels," Matt said, glad he was sitting in the front of the car and not in the back with Mello.

"Where are we going?" Near asked, looking out the window from the passenger's seat. "I'm not very fond of going outside."

"Duh, we're going to Emerald City! Follow the yellow brick road~!" Mello sang.

Matt sighed.

"…Near…do you believe in destiny~?" Mello asked after a few minutes of silence.

"…Why do you ask?"

"Because…I've found a _sign_."

"A sign…?"

"Yes," Mello said, gazing out the window.

Near resisted the urge to facepalm and decided to humor Mello. "What did this sign show you?"

"A message."

"What kind of message?"

"It said 'railroad crossing.'"

"…" Near was starting to understand why Matt was concerned about Mello's sanity.


	29. Withdraw Part 4

"Alright, we're here," Matt said, getting out of the car, while Mello practically jumped out the window and Near reluctantly stepped outside of the vehicle.

Matt walked up the sidewalk and towards the large building it led up to. Near followed without question; happily obliging to going inside again.

"That one looks like a bird…" Mello said as he stared into the sky, finding shapes in the clouds. "And that one looks like a marshmallow…I wonder if clouds taste like marshmallows…"

Matt and Near worked together to drag the babbling chocoholic into the building.

"And that one looks like a jellyfish," Mello commented as he gazed out the glass doors while Matt spent around three minutes figuring out how to hack the place's security system. "Ooh, ooh! That one looks like a cloud!" Mello announced as Matt and Near once again had to drag the blonde to their next destination, which happened to be up several flights of stairs.

~Twenty minutes later~

After a struggle of trying to get Mello up the stairs, with him running back down every few minutes to chase a butterfly that had followed them in, the three had finally made it up the stairs.

"Finall—Oh, come on!" Matt yelled as he took the last step up the stairs and saw an elevator.

"BUTTERFLIES!" Mello screamed, yet again running down the stairs, chasing a butterfly.

It was about then that the other people in the room noticed that three people had entered the building.

"…Near, Matt, Mello…Is there a reason you are here?" L asked calmly while the other task force members watched Mello scream something about dolphins.

"These two are driving me insane," Matt replied. "And I'm pretty sure Mello's drove himself crazy, too."

"May I ask why?"

"They're trying to do some type of contest thing. Mello has to go a week without any type of chocolate, and Near isn't allowed to play with toys."

"How long has this been going on?"

"About five days."

L looked over to Mello, who was sulking in a corner muttering something along the lines of "the butterfly didn't wanna be my friend…" then he looked to Near, who was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth whimpering and whining about Optimus Prime.

"…"

Light began to wonder what L would be like if he went a week without candy…and instantly regretted the thought. That mental picture refused to let itself be un-seen.

"Hey, you, with the face," Mello called.

"Hmm?" Matsuda responded, not really sure if the question was actually for him or not.

"Do you know the muffin man?"

"Yes! He's in my top 5!" Matsuda said, pulling out his cell phone and showing off that 'The Muffin Man' was #3 on his top 5 contacts.

"…You only have 4 people's phone numbers?" Mello asked, instantly ruining Matsuda's happy moment.

"…Maybe."

"Do you know how many contacts _I_ have?"

"No, how many?

"OVER 9000~!" Mello yelled, throwing a squeaky dog toy at L, then dove behind a couch, as if expecting it to explode like a grenade.

L sighed while Near glared at the toy for existing and mocking him.

~Later~

Mello stared at the clock on the wall. 2:47am. _Fuck. This. Shit._ Mello thought, utterly giving up. _I need chocolate._ He ran, or more like sprinted, down the stairs until he got to the floor with the kitchen. Mello ran over to the cabinet, and took a moment to gaze at the pile of chocolate. He grabbed as many chocolate bars as he could, and hurriedly ran over to a light switch. He flipped the switch and was about to rip open a chocolate bar when he saw Near sitting on the floor.

Holding the chew toy.

Mello beamed. "I WIN!" Mello yelled, breaking out into his happy dance. "I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!" Mello ripped open his chocolate bar and took a big bite into the bar. Success and chocolate go well together. He ran over to Near while continuing to eat his candy. "A dog toy, Near? _A dog toy_?"

"It's not my fault it was the only toy around here!" Near yelled in his defense, pouting.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, sheep. Either way, you have to wear a dress now, because you lost." Mello laughed happily, proud that he'd finally succeeded in beating Near at something. He pranced around the building, yelling "I WON!" for about 10 minutes.

"Congrats, Mels," Matt said, walking into the room. "Now go back to sleep. It's three in the morning. Happy rant all you want in six hours, but not now." And with that message the gamer went back into the room he had claimed as his own.

Mello shrugged, and continued to nom chocolate.

~Later~

"Hurry up already, sheep!" Mello yelled.

"No."

"You've been hiding in there long enough, come out already," Mello said, taking another bite of chocolate. "Or I can come in there and drag you out."

Near sighed and reluctantly opened the door, a slight blush on his usually emotionless face.

He wore a pink dress, complete with frills, lace, and spaghetti straps. The dress went down to his knees, ending with frills and more light pink laces.

Near was about as fond of wearing dresses as L was fond of eating healthy foods.

Mello seemed to like Near being in a dress, though. The look on his face was proof of that, and made Near re-close the door and go back to hiding in the room, with no plans of coming out anytime soon.

That didn't really matter to Mello, though. At least not as long as there were security cameras set up. Mello smirked and sat in front of one of the screens that had cameras monitoring that room. Oh yes, the five days without chocolate had been worth it.

A/N: lalala…I couldn't think of a better ending…This chapter's around 1,000 words though :D Yay~


	30. Stressed

"Would you stop it with the damn cake already? You're supposed to be focusing on your work!" Light said with a glare at the panda-like detective perched next to him.

"…Light-kun seems stressed," L stated, temporarily pausing in the eating of his cake.

"Of course I'm fucking stressed! I'm chained to a man who looks like a panda with low levels of hygiene who's constantly watching me because he suspects me to be a mass murderer!"

After a few seconds of inner debate, L force-fed a bite of cake to Light, who proceeded to half-cough and glare at him.

"Why the hell did you do that?"

L force-fed Light another bite of cake.

"Stop. Doing. That. I don't even like sweets." Light tried to keep himself calm.

Forcecake.

Glare.

More forcecake.

"…"

"Better?" The detective asked, looking at the brunette.

"...The fuck?" Light just looked at L with a weird expression, wondering why the hell he suddenly felt oddly less stressed...

"There's a reason stressed spelled backwards is 'desserts,' Light-kun." And with that L returned to eating the remainder of his cake.


	31. Goodbye, Misuda?

It was 14 years later.

Sort of.

Kinda.

Not really.

Well, it had been about 5 months, but somehow, for some reason not even L or Light could comprehend, Misuda had aged 14 years.

"At least this means she'll probably be dead within a few years…" Light said to L later that day after the possibly-demonic apparently-a-teenager had left.

"Hopefully," L responded, walking over to get cake, moving around the piles of items Misuda had thrown on the floor to make a fort earlier in the afternoon.

"I wonder if it's like how an animal ages—like how a dog has 7 'years' when a person has one."

"Misuda is similar enough to a rabid animal to make that a possibility…" L said before ending the conversation with the nomming of his cake.

Approximately 2 months later, Misuda showed up again.

And this time she was 16.

Fear instantly set into both L and Light's minds.

Misuda was 16.

Misuda could _drive_.

They both knew it was only a matter of time before she crashed into a power plant at 500 miles per hour and blew up the world.

The world L was trying to save.

The world Light was trying to cleanse.

L and Light exchanged a meaningful glance, and L nodded to confirm Light's unspoken thoughts.

...~

_"In other news, a 16-year-old was found dead in their car was night, around 10 miles from a large power plant. Investigators believe that although the car had crashed into a tree, and that the driver had died moments before that of a heart attack…"_ L turned off the TV and looked at Light, smiling for the first time in what felt like 16 years but was really 7 months.

Maybe Kira wasn't always so bad afterall.

...~

Light woke up to find Misuda crawling on his head whilst holding a penguin, and L huddled in a corner muttering something about there being "too many cantaloupes"…

He sighed, and internally cursed himself for not realizing that his dream was too good to be true…


	32. Fixed Cameras

"So."

"So."

"Guess we're back to this, huh?"

"Indeed."

"Does this mean I'm gonna have to put up with more bullshit 'facts' likely all taken out of context or completely false?"

"That is correct."

"And have to be put through the same repetitive jokes that have already likely lost their humor before they even got a chance to be amusing?"

"I LIKED THEM!"

"Shut up Matsuda," the detectives simultaneously replied on instinct, not bothering to pay attention to whatever it was he said in the first place. As was tradition.

"Yes, Light-kun, there is at least a 93% chance of that occurring."

"Spectacular."

"Quite. Hopefully the actions which take place in the variety of wacky shenanigans we will proceed to participate in will be of some mild amusement to anyone who so happens to view the video footage on the cameras I've recently put back into place around the building."

"Why did you take those down anyway? Won't people be irritated to have missed over a year of the happenings around this place?"

"Well, the batteries gradually died, Light-kun. Which is why less and less notable activities were recorded as time went on. However, now that this fact has been brought to my attention, and I've replaced the batteries, our lives will continue to be documented."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that we had a year free of recording, anyway. So many embarrassing things happened. Like that Christmas vacation with Mello, and he got the Rubix cube stuck in—BAHAHAAA," Light broke out into a fit of giggles at the memory. Raindeers would never be the same for poor Near, though. And Matt still couldn't look at anything resembling a pinecone without bursting into hysterical laughter, followed by a swift kick to the shin by the leather-wearing blonde.

"And last Autumn, with the pogo stick, the calico cat, and 30 bottles of diet pepsi."

"I remember that! SpaghettiO's and car tires were everywhere. Geeze, that took _months_ to clean up…"

"Indeed. I don't think anyone that saw that will ever be able to drink orange juice ever again."

"Ugh, I can't even look at the stuff anymore… Well, either way, we should get back to work now."

"Agreed. The less we talk about fruit juice, the better."

And with that, the detectives resumed their once more recorded lives.

* * *

A/N:

Guess who's back

Back again

Ash is back

Tell a friend

Or don't. I'm a tired fanfic writer, not a cop.

So yeah. The story with no plot continues.


End file.
